One of the hardest

Lessons in life is to love and accept yourself for who you truly are.

It is harder than loving another because you are your greatest enemy. The one who hears criticisms and then further sharpening them into needles and drive them into yourself over and over again.

You know that you will never miss the point where it hurts the most. Because through it all, you know who you are and the imperfections you hold. Be they physical or character flaws.

The criticisms constantly ring and echo within yourself, reminding and telling you how little you can do and how unworthy you are.

You try to be the best of who you are but you nonetheless. Because we think that seeking affirmation from other people will be a step towards accepting ourselves.

Only to get hurt time and time again.

You can change yourself, tweak and hide your flaws. Downplay them. But to what extent can you?

People who love themselves are at peace with their inner selves. They know it’s all right. They are unaffected like the river which continues to meander and find its own way.

But how? How do you start to love yourself? How do you know it’s all right to be imperfect? How do you know that it’s all right to show them to others?

This was essentially a

Bad Week.

My face was the start of the bad week as chronicled in the previous post.

I just knew it was no good omen but I pressed on having 2 mid terms to worry about and study for.

At Changning’s advice, I got the BGS videos from Sihua. At a cost. Basically my stupidity and lack of foresight was the root of it all. Lost the photos of basically all my trips. Japan, Cambodia, Vietnam and Europe. 

I even lost all my videos but those I can re-download. But all my photos which I took. They are equivalent to my perspective of my trips. The way I saw the places. They were by no means unique but they were mine.

And now, I might have to spend $200 getting them back. Price of my memories and stupidity.

My hard disk drive loss was the second.

Today was the third. Today was basically a series of unfortunate events. 

Dropped my ez-link card walking to the bus stop and missed my bus when I retraced my steps to find it. Luckily, I wasn’t late for my test. Sat down for my test and realized I forgot to bring my calculator. Never mind, I thought I could share with my friends even though that’s technically not allowed. And then, prof asked me to shift rows. Had to sit beside someone I didn’t know and obviously, strangers in SMU wouldn’t lend you their calculators. 

I panicked. 

 

And then I blanked.

 

I knew that my 30% was a goner.

 

I am never going to be able to hit a good enough GPA and I’m going to end up jobless and die penniless.

 

I’m going to go cry about my hard disk drive now so bye.

I had a bout of

Ugliness the past week.

By that I mean that I felt extremely ugly because my face had an allergic reaction to something but I have yet to find out what darned allergen triggered my face to these itchy little bumpy red spots like all over.

Yeah quite a graphic description. But that was the horrific truth I woke up to on Thursday at 6.30am in the morning. Almost couldn’t muster the courage to go to school.

It was really one of the days I wanted to cry at my ugliness. And then people who said my face looks OK just reaffirms the fact that I have been equally ugly all my bloody life and that an itchy peeling face makes no difference. And I was telling Chong that I’m still so damn ugly my brain has beautified my appearance by 30% when looking into the mirror. That was the penultimate depressing fact of the week. I am not kidding.

But after like 4days,my face is almost back to normal. My mum needs to start investing in facials for me.

I will update again after my mids on thurs.