I have officially

Stepped into my Twenties.

Thank you to everyone who remembered and for all your well-wishes.

It has taken me about a month to feel like I’ve officially transited into my current age. I’ll honestly admit that sometimes I still think of myself as 18 years old and sometimes I act a lot younger than my age. But oh well. I’ll possibly not think of myself as a person in her twenties till I’m 22? But anyway.

I’m really really happy that my bondue group made the effort to celebrate with me because they are my SMU family. I’ve said this before but I’m really lucky and grateful to have met them. SMU would be a much lonelier place without them.

And Rachel ❤ I’m waiting for your present when you come home from Aussie. -smirks- Preferably your hot classmates? Or maybe the guys who parties in your house yes?

Also konlihua. Thanks for the present. I guess it’s always damn weird for other people to know that we have been friends for so long when we are so damn different. But we are still friends for 11 years now and it’s really a crazy long time. I’ll be counting on you to do my accounts and tax returns for me in future~!

Priscilla and Amelia for spending an entire afternoon with me and…studying. LOL but thanks for the cupcakes. I love y’all.

I’m looking forward to making my twenties infinitely more colorful and exciting than my teens.

I no longer know

Who I was, who I am and who I will be.

I’m constantly in a state of flux. Discovering the issues I have with myself, my parents and my society.

I’m growing up to be an Individual while growing away from my parents and family but still being dependent on them. I’m learning how not to need anything or anyone.

And I don’t know if it really matters to know who I am because who I am may not be who I will be.

Every stage brings different experience, challenges and brings me to meet new people. But I’ll admit that every time I make a new friend, I secretly wonder if they’ll end up to be just another you. I do everything I can to erase traces of us but you’re brought up again and again. Because sometimes, and rather unfortunately, I still care. I’ll erase you someday but maybe not today.

You, like all other things else, will cease to matter as time flows by.

Life passes by me too fast for me to hold onto anything, tangible and intangible alike. Even if I keep count, I’ll lose count one day. I would rather live in Now.

I need

a) to be calm.

b) my group mates to make active and brilliant contributions to my LTB group report

c) swim and hear nothing but the sound of my own breathing

d) drown out the fucking world

e) eat something so disgustingly sweet I’ll only be able to tolerate savory food for the entire month

f) more t i m e.

g) Improve at FA and MS within the space of 2 weeks

h) help

One Day

I’ll leave this country. It’s not that I hate it here and it’s definitely not a lack of love for this place. But like a child in his rebellious phase, I have to leave.

I have to leave the comfort of the familiar and honestly, you’re just like the overbearing parent constantly keeping an eagle eye over me.
Restricting my freedom and my space to grow. I get your concern for me. But I’m old enough to know what I want even if I’m unable to foresee all consequences. You can’t baby me forever. I’ll have to take a fall myself one day.

That’s the only way I can grow.

I’ve learnt to develop my own views but you’ve yet to learn how to listen. My voice has been drowned by your expectations and your rules. The person I would like to be and the passions I want to pursue are not the person you want me to be and the only passions you want me to have are money and excellence. Nothing wrong with that if you could only accept me for who I am and who I will be.

I need to leave, to expand my horizons and to learn how to be the person I aspire to be. I appreciate everything you’ve given to me and I guess I do love you…albeit grudgingly at times.

If I leave, I may not come back but yes, I’ll reserve a place for you in my heart.

Bouts of (ir)rational fear

Consumes me occasionally.

I’m afraid of many things.

One of them is to be forever stuck in the middle class; never getting to live in comfort without the shadow of fear that I’ll slide down the social classes any day anytime. I don’t want to be neither here nor there, slaving away like an ant for the rest of my life.

I’m also afraid of never being able to find my passion, never able to devote myself entirely to a cause that I believe whole-heartedly in. I don’t want to just work for a living; I want to live for my work.

But I guess my biggest fears would be to be lonely. Being alone is fine but being lonely suggests a lack of meaningful connections with people and the world around you. I’m the only child and after my parents pass away, I’ll be alone. And I guess a part of me will die with them. But how can a tree live without its roots? How can and how will I face everything by myself? Will I be able to be the cool, calm, collected and rational adult?

And what if I never resolve all these fears?