How I feel as

the semester nears the end.

As deadlines draw near and I start bailing water out of my Titanics taking form of my projects but also still trying to function like a normal human being. This is in addition to trying to make sure that all my friends are functioning in these Dark Times as well from breakups to quarter-life crises.

I wish I was superhuman.

Occasionally jerking awake because I fear that shit may have gone down while I was sleeping (in on weekends) and then blaming friends for mentioning my name in early conversations. Because I think having someone actively asking me to get up virtually even though my phone is switched off does not help in my sleep quality. It also contradicts the slight joy when I get texts; good to get them from friends. But if they’re from my project mates… I can only hope that shit has yet to hit the fans and we are all in time to save it.

Also, I’ve made it into PD, Sponsorships director and before you ask why I’m in the department again, it wasn’t my first choice but I guess experience from Vivace got me back where I was. I don’t mind but I’m just vaguely scared that my minimal leading abilities will desert me completely and I’ll slip up majorly. If I do, I’m going to quit school because the OSL would probably be hounding me in the remaining years.

…and I don’t want to see it happening again in any aspect of my life. It just can’t happen. I can’t afford it; not if I want to go on an exchange or function in school like a normal human being.

And after all my project meetings, really, can I afford some time away from all my fucking devices?

The answer is obviously

NO.

My only saving grace is always: Coffee. I feel so much saner when I drink it.

How do I get myself an endless lifetime supply of coffee?

Last Wednesday Night

Which was part of R-week but was actually hell week in disguise during which I spent most of my waking hours on one report or another. The sad sinking ship that is probably going to be my finance project. What the hell are we doing?????

But at least I had mid-week bright spots of beer at SQUE with Hua, Chong and Liew. The lupsup people unite…save for rachel who’s in the Land of Oz and actually thinking of staying there for December being bogged down by responsibilities. No. Just NO. Come home rachel leong and we’ll feed you with coffee beans. I need more sessions like this but I can’t help thinking that drinking so near the Singapore River is vaguely dangerous. You all will always be the people I share dirty thoughts with because nobody else appreciates humsup and lupsup more than you all. 

Also started my week right with Standing Sushi Bar with Eunice, Pris and Changning. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that 2 years have flown. It occasionally still feels like we’re still wearing our uniforms, struggling up the stairs, lost with respect to our future directions and all those long discussions about what we want.

But now, I’m just sitting in yet another lecture, waiting for Wednesday to pass. ):

 

Recent Thoughts

that have popped into my head during my waking moments. I have quite a lot of them so yeah.

    1. Chanced upon a facebook profile of an acquaintance from primary school. Had the sudden premonition (if I could call it that because it probably won’t come true) that our paths will soon cross again.
    2. I miss my overseas friends like crazy. And in this short period of time Pinning is gone, I have not been making an effort to go swim alone even though I know I should and I could. I just am not. I realised today that I potentially wasted a good weather to swim in without getting excessively tanned because I wanted to marathon my shows which have come on again. And kon, who’s out there bungee jumping and doing stuff that I probably want to do but can’t do yet and next semester, it’ll be Mabelyn’s turn to go on exchange.
    3. Swaying between having faith and not having any in relationships. Tis be the season of breakups. Just had another friend who broke up after 5 long years. How is it that all these time spent together can be discounted just like that? Also (I concede not all men are idiots):

      Men are Fools-WW

    4. Ridiculous recurring thought: I want to be someone who is loved by everyone. I recognise the impossibility of it. But still, it would be nice to be more loved.
    5. Another recurring thought: I foresee a very average life ahead of me. It’s like my life will be smooth without too much ups and downs; I’ll graduate, work and then live my life. Most likely end to my story is as the cranky old lady in the corner flat with a bazillion adopted stray cats.
    6. Migrating to England which I actually shared aloud with Mabelyn who was pretty horrified that I didn’t want to stay. It’s ok because I’m the only child so I’m free to walk when my parents are gone. And also because my friends will most likely have their own families so I’m free to go. Talking to Sihua has also made me realise that yes, I am actually and will be fine by my own. I am perfectly capable of being independent even though it must be pretty tiring.
    7. I can’t deal with people who talk to me in unexpected ways such as they are constantly flippant but it’s not in a condescending manner or anything. They just are. It’s disturbing; I don’t know where to draw the lines and I have the inability to filter myself. And I also believe in reflecting a person’s attitude back to them so I do the same. Obviously it doesn’t always pay off. I also push people away when they get too comfortable with me too fast. Hello, you’re supposed to be vaguely scared of me so sod off. I am also incapable of making new friends with people who have more mood swings than I do. HOW ELSE CAN YOU DEAL WITH MINE OR WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE SWING AT THE SAME TIME?!?!!?!??!!?!??! Or people who aren’t honest with their emotions. There is nothing to hide ok!!!!!
    8. Feeling vaguely like I’m not contributing enough to my projects in general. Had a project mate edit the report and cut out multiple parts which I wasn’t able to which made me feel shitty about myself. I also have no idea what’s going on for my Finance project. Vaguely panicky about all these and also slightly worried that PD will flop cause I’m not good enough.
    9. Horoscopes are of vague importance in friendships. Recently asked a few people their signs and I do indeed have a subconscious inclination to Water and Earth signs. I feel slightly more grounded, realistic and down-to-earth occasionally but I still have people to go to when I have my mood swings.
    10. Wondering what I would like to be in my next life? A pet (a cat/dog) enjoying continuous pettings and cuddling? A koala? A sloth? Or a plant? A fish or maybe even a jellyfish…something aquatic maybe stingrays. They just flap flap flap and float around, keeping that same face and generally being without a care in the world except humans are going to eat them with sambal chili. I mean…other than that it’s not too bad?

Yes well, back to school and work.

Rainy Saturdays call for

Lazy posts so below is an old draft which I never got around to finishing.

“Got back from KL and I never fail to feel exceptionally tired after my nerves unwind. I don’t sleep and shit well in unknown environments…not even when I’ve been to my aunt’s house possibly a gazillion times.

The usual yakking and nagging made themselves heard loud & clear to me. I had to sit through a conversation during which my aunts and my mum discussed about how lovable or not some of my cousins and nieces were. I genuinely started wondering if a)I was invisible b)I was not thought of as someone belonging to the younger generation c)I was unloved by my aunts. It was awkward as fuck.

I also had to sit through the birthday dinner during which I was repeatedly pestered to sing in front of 60 people. I AM NOT HERE FOR THAT. But you all can jio me out for Kbox sessions anytime. I just don’t sing in front of my relatives who will then again make comments on my (lack of) talent for singing. I have enough criticisms from them as it is already.

I’m also insanely jealous of the malaysian counterparts because it seems like studying overseas is just a natural path to embark on.

The only good thing about this trip is that I went for a facial and the beautician finally took my problem seriously enough to recognise that my face is extremely allergic, sensitive and that I may be suffering from a bacterial infection. A bacteria infection leftover from FTB. What. the. FUCK. And then I recalled us smearing expired food such as peanut butter on our faces and flour all over our faces. I swear I’ll never attend another fucking camp in my life and if I ever do, I’ll just tell them I’m fucking allergic. ”

 

So there’s that. Can’t wait for B&J Chunkfest later.

初老症状

不应该只有50条。

我的初老症状第五十一条:越来越念旧。没用的东西一大堆但因为纪念价值而留下。又不是garang guni -.-但就是舍不得。还有,动不动就会想起或提起陈年往事。回忆常被一些小事唤起il犹如被狂浪侵袭,昨天明明还是那么的清晰但却已离我那么的遥远。

我的初老症状第五十二条:口味和饮食习惯都变了。开始吃以前不爱的东西例如粽子还有一些乌漆麻黑色的食物。以前也觉得三文鱼鱼衅味太重而不吃但现在却觉得也没怎样。难道年纪越大,口味也开始扁重?
还有,一天一杯咖啡:不。能。少。生活的必需品,它是我灵魂不可缺的良饮。没错,有了咖啡,世界的颜色显得更鲜艳一些些。

还有也开始渐渐明白、体会、领悟旧歌的意义。难怪长辈都不听流行歌曲。。。原来是因为年纪所累积的成长和智慧。

“春天的花开秋天的风以及冬天的落阳

忧郁的青春年少的我曾经无知地那么想

风车在四季轮回的歌里它天天地悠转

风花雪月的诗句里我在年年的成长

流水它带走光阴的故事改变了一个人

就在那多愁善感而初次等待的青春

发黄的相片古老的信以及褪色的圣诞卡

年轻时为你写的歌恐怕你早已忘了吧

过去的誓言就象那课本里缤纷的书签

刻划着多少美丽的诗可是终究是一阵烟

流水它带走光阴的故事改变了两个人

就在那多愁善感而初次流泪的青春

遥远的路程昨日的梦以及远去的笑声

再次的见面我们又历经了多少的路程

不再是旧日熟悉的我有着旧日狂热的梦

也不是旧日熟悉的你有着依然的笑容

流水它带走光阴的故事改变了我们

就在那多愁善感而初次回忆的青春”