不安

It’s rare but thought I would just post in my current state of unease, whiny and in desperate-need-of-love kind of mood. Because I’m really uneasy, nervous, scared and anxious.

Moving into a new environment causes a desire in me to grab onto an anchor of the past be it people or physical items. I miss gossiping with Ryandall and his stupid grouchy rants, and accompanying Jeremy on his smoke breaks to talk about nothing. I miss the Sports and SL teams shouting over each and their exceedingly loud laughter. I miss Jane’s warmth and maternal presence. I miss trying to spot Jimmy in his cubicle that he has successfully paneled up.

Everything here is new and overwhelming.

Journey.

That was the theme of my SMU Commencement this year.

True to my words last year, I was sitting comfortably in the audience seat, appreciating the showcase. Mind you, only the showcase and some of the speeches. But hey, I’ve been officially conferred with my degree. (I was right that the speech is a spell ok.) Thank you for the flowers (Amelia, Eunice, Susu, Liwei-even though it was technically a cookie lolly), Sandra for cookies too, that I didn’t expect to have and also for attending (Kon too). It’s essential that I don’t forget the brains and crew behind Commencement because they’ve put in months of hard work for that 30mins of showcase. I’ve been through it so yup, I feel them.

It wasn’t that weird to be a normal participant this time round unlike for PD but I still wished to be backstage where I could be comfortable with the number of people around. What is weird is that my time in SMU has officially ended. I always knew that 4 years wasn’t a long time but I didn’t expect it to be so short. I can chart my years in SMU with the events that have become my own milestones: growth markers.

Looking back, would I have changed anything? Maybe the modules (and the professors) I chose but I would choose SMU over and over again. If I didn’t choose SMU, I would never have been a part of Convocation, Commencement and Patron’s Day that forced me (constantly) out of my comfort zone. Nor would I have met some of my current friends. I’ve also met so many people whom I’ve so much to learn from and I’m incredibly grateful and appreciative for the support/guidance some of these people have shown/given.

Graduation felt surreal (it still does) while I was watching the fireworks as I was being flooded by balloons. Once again, I’m hit by the tingly feeling of departing from my safe harbour of the academic world and pushed into the working world. It’s exciting and scary. I don’t know what lies ahead nor where will I be led but I hope that I can hopefully retain my current friends as we part to embark on our own paths.

Also Weish, we haven’t forgotten.