January 2018

Nearly a year since my last post, and I’ve almost forgotten about this site.

Thinking about times I want to write, and then just realising that some things aren’t worth writing/remembering/negative emotions will pass. Then I also realised I’ve overestimated my ability to let things go when it has rarely ever been the case with me. I’m a pressure-cooker type of person who will only confront the source of my anger when I can’t take it anymore. And obviously there are some bridges you learn that you cannot burn as an adult, so you swallow your words, your anger, and the unjust of it all.

I tell myself the next time I’ll be better at confrontations, better at managing my emotions. But when the next time comes, I find myself doing the same old thing I always do. That’s where my anger partially stems from, and somehow that induces more anger.

Life constantly reminds me to give me less fucks because people don’t appreciate nor do they want it. How many times do I need to trip myself up before I will bear in mind that I should always put myself above other people, and stop feeling guilty at my selfishness? Because if I don’t, who will?

A year ago, I was trying to convince myself that things will be ok. That I should be satisfied and grateful that I’ve a job and surrounded by good colleagues. And right now, I’m not so sure.


Writing this while

waiting for Terrace House to load, and pondering upon a Netflix subscription. (Does anyone wanna share? The price is actually quite reasonable).

I’m so into Terrace House right now, and I can’t stop watching. It’s the calmer Asian version of Jersey Shore and Geordie Shore. There’s drinking but no messy drunk behaviour, and most of them solve their issues maturely and calmly. They actually talk out their issues instead of resorting to passive aggressiveness.

The last time I wrote was a couple of months ago, when I was school-sick. I’m not that school-sick now. I am also happy to report that I’ve been confirmed in early January. I’m still busy, still trying to figure out my work plans, still learning, and obviously still trying to get by.

Today I resumed my Pilates class. Rather proud of myself, and I hope I’ll continue for a long time. Partly also cause I’m suffering the typical OL-aches.

So my overall status in mid-Feb before I gain another year: Gainfully employed, single, relatively happy and content with the usual hopes and grouses typical of a Millennial, looking forward to the year ahead in general.

I guess I’m doing pretty well.

Before I knew it

4 months have already passed.

And from my lack of posts, you should probably/can tell it hasn’t been an easy breezy time. But I do feel lucky that I’m employed, because the news keep telling me that the world is going to shit and the economy is falling apart.

I still get school-sick. It’s like my body is telling me that it’s time to head back to a 3 or 4 day work week with irregular hours. Sometimes, it’s really quite difficult to drag myself out of my bed/out of my house. I’m totally stretching my multi-tasking capabilities. I’m however very lucky to be with my 2 colleagues who are truly great people who have been patient with you even after all the times I’ve gotten them into trouble. Plus, the location of my office is great.

Let’s talk about happier stuff such as my recent Bintan trip, which was great fun and was entirely planned by Bao (partially why it was great cause it took no effort from me: I just had the one job of showing up and paying). I actually came back browner after the snorkelling session that I loved. But I also got myself some cuts like a dumb toot. I can only hope that they don’t leave any scars.

I can’t wait for my next off-in-lieu already.


Yes, I’ve been gainfully employed for a month despite me breaking a voice recorder in the first week of the job. (For the record, I’m paying for half the damages.)

So I’m still trying to adjust to a new environment, and I very much miss SMU and working with Jimmy. I’ve gone whining to him twice now: once before Commencement Appreciation dinner and once during Convocation Appreciation supper (which was like last Friday, so very recent). He totally laughed about the breakage and declared that he wouldn’t have made me pay. To which, I happily shot down because he made a student pay for her mistakes, and he was all,”Oh yeah, I did.” Then he proceeded to cackle evilly at my plight, which I appreciated not.  He has told me to just hang in there and give it my fucking all and that a month is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I agree, but I still wanted very much to be well, sayang-ed, by him. But then he also said to have more faith in myself or at least faith in what SMU (or him) has put me through. So some saving grace at least.

Other than the fact that he knows my M.D and that they are overdue for drinks. I basically keep begging him to not discuss me with her because (and I told him this) I can’t deal with having to meet the expectations of 3 people all of whom are important. In a sense that they’re all my superiors. But I’ve said I’ll crawl back to him if I get fired LOL. But I really do miss the familiarity of OSL.

But my current colleagues are really really nice people, plus they super pretty. Everyone who works in that office is attractive and I’m just the ugly dud they hired. Like maybe this was what was going on in my boss’ mind when she hired me:


The full quote would be: Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl- stylish, slender, of course… worships the magazine. But so often, they turn out to be- I don’t know- disappointing and, um… stupid. So you, with that impressive résumé and the big speech about your so-called work ethic- I, um- I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, um- more than any of the other silly girls.  

Disclaimer though: All the ladies who work there are smart and capable. They are friendly and very willing to help each other. I just occasionally feel like the ugly and incapable one. I’ve a very steep learning curve and I’m learning from everyone and every chance that I get.

I do like it there even though I’m not sure if PR/agency work is really for me.

TLDR: I’m still employed and I’m learning a hell lot. I think I enjoy my work there and am learning a lot of things from all whom I work with. I also hope to make it till end of probation HAHA.


It’s rare but thought I would just post in my current state of unease, whiny and in desperate-need-of-love kind of mood. Because I’m really uneasy, nervous, scared and anxious.

Moving into a new environment causes a desire in me to grab onto an anchor of the past be it people or physical items. I miss gossiping with Ryandall and his stupid grouchy rants, and accompanying Jeremy on his smoke breaks to talk about nothing. I miss the Sports and SL teams shouting over each and their exceedingly loud laughter. I miss Jane’s warmth and maternal presence. I miss trying to spot Jimmy in his cubicle that he has successfully paneled up.

Everything here is new and overwhelming.


That was the theme of my SMU Commencement this year.

True to my words last year, I was sitting comfortably in the audience seat, appreciating the showcase. Mind you, only the showcase and some of the speeches. But hey, I’ve been officially conferred with my degree. (I was right that the speech is a spell ok.) Thank you for the flowers (Amelia, Eunice, Susu, Liwei-even though it was technically a cookie lolly), Sandra for cookies too, that I didn’t expect to have and also for attending (Kon too). It’s essential that I don’t forget the brains and crew behind Commencement because they’ve put in months of hard work for that 30mins of showcase. I’ve been through it so yup, I feel them.

It wasn’t that weird to be a normal participant this time round unlike for PD but I still wished to be backstage where I could be comfortable with the number of people around. What is weird is that my time in SMU has officially ended. I always knew that 4 years wasn’t a long time but I didn’t expect it to be so short. I can chart my years in SMU with the events that have become my own milestones: growth markers.

Looking back, would I have changed anything? Maybe the modules (and the professors) I chose but I would choose SMU over and over again. If I didn’t choose SMU, I would never have been a part of Convocation, Commencement and Patron’s Day that forced me (constantly) out of my comfort zone. Nor would I have met some of my current friends. I’ve also met so many people whom I’ve so much to learn from and I’m incredibly grateful and appreciative for the support/guidance some of these people have shown/given.

Graduation felt surreal (it still does) while I was watching the fireworks as I was being flooded by balloons. Once again, I’m hit by the tingly feeling of departing from my safe harbour of the academic world and pushed into the working world. It’s exciting and scary. I don’t know what lies ahead nor where will I be led but I hope that I can hopefully retain my current friends as we part to embark on our own paths.

Also Weish, we haven’t forgotten.

Falling by Pangdemonium

I caught this play last Tuesday and it was an educational and emotional experience. All the actors were wonderful in their roles and brought out their various complexities.

The play revolves around a family of four and offers us a glimpse into their everyday lives. Each family has their own unique ecosystem of habits but for the Yeos, the situation is more nuanced than that. Their ordinary lives are made extraordinary by their 18 year old child, Josh, who has severe autism. The play explores the fallout when the ecosystem is disrupted by the arrival of Nana, the grandmother.

Tami, the mother, is clearly one of the 2 central figures in the play. She is Josh’s primary caregiver. This is shown at the beginning when we see her successfully coaxing Josh into getting ready for school and thus saving her husband, Bill. Her love and patience for Josh never wavers, even during and after his violent outbursts. Even though her days are long and occasionally difficult, she manages to steal tiny moments of freedom and happiness as she jams to her favourite songs. But she is a human after all and we see her resorting to alcohol as a form of escapism and cracks in the marriage forms as she distances herself from Bill. She admits her helplessness in trying to take care of the entire family while keeping all of them together as a family. It is impossible to fault her due to her love for Josh, resilience and determination that has kept her going when most of us would have chosen easier ways out.

Josh is an enigma even though he is also a central character. We know his habits, the games he plays, the songs he sings and the things he dislikes. But we are never truly able to step into his world. With his hypersensitivity, he experiences the world differently from us. He has an acute sense of hearing and some sounds appeal to him more than the others. He is also not a big fan of Bill’s voice. We know a lot about him but understand very little about him.

Bill the father, tries his best to do his part. He really is a typical dad who is the family’s breadwinner and occasionally takes the easy way out of disagreements or arguments by going out or ironically, hiding in the kitchen. Like Tami, he worries about the future now that Josh is of legal age. He attempts to form a stronger bond with Josh and to mend the gaps that have appeared in his marriage. I would say he has done slightly better at the latter even though what he needs (physical intimacy) is not what Tami needs. However, he does provide comical relief that alleviates the tension and these occasional doses of laughter help the family to get through the day.

Lisa is the 16 year-old sister with a rebellious attitude and a resentment for her brother. I personally think that one of the best parts of the play is that it does not fault or blame Lisa for feeling the way she does or any of the other characters in fact. It is not difficult to see why she thinks a future without Josh or at least away from him, would make life better for everyone. In a dream sequence, she lists the things that they can finally do together as a family sans Josh. Perhaps she had an prior incident with Josh that caused her to draw away from him or maybe school took her time away from Josh. The family’s situation has also been mentally and emotionally-wearing her down. She worries that she may one day come home to find Tami dead. But when she presents the option of her leaving for Australia with Nana, it is evident that she still loves her family and would much prefer to stay.

Nana, the Bible-wielding grandmother arrives with her own set of expectations just like us, the audience. She is a conduit for the audience. Nana arrives at the house and assures the couple that she understands and knows what to expect. So do we. Only to have our previously-held expectations and understandings to be shattered. We learn about autism together with Nana as the play proceeds and begin to reflect how each of us can help. Nana eventually makes the decision to move back.

Besides educating us about autism, Falling presents us with the challenging questions and opens room for discussion for a topic that we find difficult to talk about. The post-show dialogue is helpful and insightful. Awareness and education are definitely the first 2 steps we have to take before figuring out suitable solutions for autistic individuals and their families.

Europe tripping

Has officially begun.

Currently on the train from Munich to Berlin.

Thanks everyone who has messaged me with news of Brussels and reminding me to stay safe. I’ll do my best. Also very glad for the size of German polizei- they look extremely reassuring (and hot) in their uniforms.

We had an extremely eventful first day in Germany. First there was the security check where I fucked up with the liquids and made to throw my beloved shampoo and conditioner away ): That’s however a relatively small issue for me even though I was slightly upset since those were Tsubaki that has kept my hair silky smooth and straight till now.

Then we got to the airport to catch a bus to the train station. We would have been on time since we had buffer time but alas, we were held up by a quartet of English guys plus a traffic jam. Had to spend an extra €154 for 2 more tickets for the next train. NTUC TRAVEL INSURANCE: IS THIS UNDER MY COVERAGE??? Please pick this up on your radar #ineedtoknow

We had a great time in Munich. Wish we had another day here but to Berlin we shall head. Will upload photos through my Instagram. Maybe I’ll do a photo post when I get back here.

Take care everybody.

A list of things I

worry about and how I feel occasionally expressed in GIFs of course.


Because girls travelling together sounds exactly like a recipe for BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN.


I mean yeah, if I get my kidneys stolen as Hua is ever cautioning about.


(It’ll be Pinning instead of Paula.)


More practically, what if I lose my money cause pickpockets left and right? Trust me on this, I’ve been a victim.


Excited and horrified????


Breathing. It helps, right?


This is how I feel at all of the above.


I’m not even that stressed. (Looking at you, Pris)


The cooler side of me feels I’m ridiculous for all the above. I totally agree.



It’s only a month.


But my long-awaited trip is finally here!!!



So bye guys and please keep me in your prayers~!

Sidenote: why didn’t anyone GIF the part when Rebecca says I scared in a really really small voice?! WATCH CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND IT HAS BEEN RENEWED.

CNY update

I guess that title makes this post sound more festive than it will be.

But if you guys don’t already know, my CNYs are always quiet and peaceful: visiting is kept to a minimum. That’s good except for the fact that my angbao income is also sadly minimal. Steamboats are also not my thing but they’re the tradition and I will put up with them for 2 days to please my parents.

Perhaps I should split this post into 2 posts instead in which one will be my PD reflections and the other one about my aunt(s). Then again, I can’t be bothered so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

For the first time ever, I attended PD as a normal participant. Not going to lie but it was weird as hell to not be involved operationally or be holding a walkie listening carefully to every update. I’ve been involved in some way ever since PD13 and PD is obviously one of my most important markers of growth in SMU. Every PD reminds me of how far I’ve come and how much more I’ve to learn.

I had great fun as a normal participant (I can’t stress that enough because everyone thinks I’m involved. I’m just the person the org comm goes to when they need to print stuff ok) making my terrariums and bottled sand art. I guess I should attempt making a dreamcatcher after seeing several beautiful attempts versus 老板’s nightmare catcher. Plus I got to watch the show in peace for the first time and enjoy the food catered. Like an enthusiastic freshie/auntie, I finished using all my coupons. Going with the PD15 people just made the entire event 100000Xs better and almost everyone in the org comm who could attend were there. I’m really glad to have met this bunch of people in SMU.

Of course going with the gang also means that we could pick out certain details that others might have missed such as Joseph’s 2-minute grumbling (actually more like raging) of the helper that was queueing for a corporate partner’s booth in her event tee. That’s a huge NO in our books. Or how the queue system isn’t ideal etc. Then again, event execution usually has space for improvements. But as someone who more or less saw the org comm developed, they should be given due credits especially for their ideas. Show managed to showcase more CCAs instead of just the popular ones and yes, that made their lives ridiculously tough. Programmes managed to engage the terrarium vendor to conduct mini workshops that they don’t usually host during the event. It’s not easy given their limited budget and the weight of having to match PD15 in a way or other.

It has come to a full circle in one way or another having been a helper for PD13 and another helper of sorts this year. Have also met one of the helpers for PD14 at this year’s PD which is kind of comical. I only remembered him because he talked so much like my deputy did and still does. On a side note, I’m always quite amazed by people who can talk non-stop because a) are you really interesting? b) do you love your voice that much? c) do you really think that your opinions/topics are all that valuable to others especially those who have no choice but to listen? It’s fascinating and annoying at the same time. The latter is especially applicable to people with high, grating, nasally voices.


I’ve an upcoming trip to Malaysia to visit my relatives that I am dreading because I can already predict every question that will come up. Not looking forward to it. At least it’s only 3 days.

It’s a weird CNY this year somehow given that my aunt passed a week before CNY. Nobody seems to have discussed whether or not we should cease celebrations and everyone is just proceeding ahead with celebrations. Then again, who passes away of dengue nowadays? Malaysia is no third-world country, I’ll give it that much. And I guess that filial piety is actually a value that has to be inculcated into children and not an innate value that people are born with.

Are there truly people in their right minds who will leave their own family to suffer a fever for 2 weeks?

Weird as fuck.

I recall my mum joking about how that aunt will live the longest cause she worried least and possibly the hardiest of them all. Guess it didn’t come to pass. Strange how certain things only come to light after a person has passed. Such as the story of my aunt fleeing her house to call my cousin’s wife to cry and that she was scolded during their reunion dinner last year. I don’t know why she put up with shit like that. A majority of my family with me included are guilty of not being as good to her as we should have been.

I canceled a dinner because of this. I take some time to digest such news and didn’t feel like putting on a fake front for people who don’t really care about me. The dinner date was set up awkwardly in a manner that made me look bad. Who the hell guilt trips you into a dinner so you don’t look petty for not attending? Haven’t heard from them since the cancellation. Probably am not wrong about them not caring.

I remember sitting at a friend’s father’s wake not too long ago, thinking that I’ll have many more to attend in future. Didn’t think that it would be so soon or closer to home this time round.

What a weird end/start to the year.