This later half of 2015

hasn’t been very kind to my friends. That’s what I think. I am constantly reminded to spend more time with family, friends and other loved ones.

Today I received news about a friend whom has also been on my mind recently. He had gone completely off grid since last semester and left multiple messages unanswered.

People are often surprised to know that my Bondue group still keeps in touch with each other or at least some of us do. But that’s how it is: you gain some new friends while some older ones get left behind. Perhaps cause I hated FTB and was heavily reliant upon Bondue to provide a foundation for a new social circle in university.

I’m mildly surprised by how long it took for the news to fully sink in and the repeated texting of the same phrase It’s unbelievable. Because it is. Because why would cancer strike someone so young when youth is supposed to be this cloak of invincibility that wards against illnesses/evils/whatever. Aren’t the odds supposed to fall on the side of youths?

I keep thinking how we were supposed to graduate together, attend the same Commencement ceremony, take photos and compare to them to those taken a couple of semesters ago, laugh at our past selves, laugh at how we were overly enthusiastic at certain games. And I recall how damned hard you studied because that’s SMU for us all. Competitive as fuck especially for finance etc. But you were always modest about your own achievements. I recall you skating down at the T-Junc because the skating team would appear like clockwork every week and you would be there. I remember that you’re the only person who shares the same Chinese character as mine in your name. I know for a fact that you were never too busy to stop and take time out for a quick chat. I still have photos that you shared with us of your Europe trip. So how can it be that you’re gone?

The worst part is that all these don’t feel sufficient. That we didn’t stay in touch often as we should have. That we didn’t know until it was too late and knowing that a part of this is also selfish because you probably didn’t want to worry people.

I just don’t understand why this happened to you.

 

 

 

Please don’t feel the need to text me about this because there’s really nothing to say.

 

(mis)Adventures with my Dad

For some reason or another, my dad and I have never spent much time together as a duo in public spaces. Even when we’re at home, we more or less keep to our own corners with him doing the chores/talking on the phone while I would be on the bed with my Mac.

So the jubilee weekend was an extremely rare occurrence when we went out shopping together. It all started with my desire to get a pair of black & white shoes for my internship. Because backstage safety calls for covered shoes with thicker soles and yes, nails have gone through people’s flats before. I don’t even know why my dad agreed to come but he did and so off we went to Queensway.

We spent a couple of hours wandering that also had him frowning at several pairs of shoes. Without spotting any pair that I wanted, we decided to go Vivo City where he could visit Bata for his uncle sandals and I would continue my quest for my Nike roshes (only to find out that they aren’t carried locally the next day) . For some reason, my internal GPS marked the route that we usually took by car instead of bus and thus cleverly suggested we go opposite to take the bus.

So off we went huffing and puffing up the bridge.

The next brilliantly wrong suggestion came from my dad to take 197 that ultimately led us in the direction of Jurong. Belatedly realised how off we were when we got onto the highway and I saw the Science Park. Hurriedly herded my dad off the bus which led to more grumbling that we should have just continued to NUS where it would be easier to change buses. Yet again we boarded 197.

We finally got to Spottiswoode where I told my dad to get off and just walk. I thought he would want to walk instead of changing buses to get home but I was wayyyyyy off the mark.

All ended well because we got home in fits of laughter.

At night, I just thought about how much I would treasure this day, remember our laughter, the warmth and tenderness in my dad’s hands, not to forget the the heat of the day.

But occasionally, I fear when I hear the ticking of time passing.

I thought I should give

an update lest people think I’m rotting away in a dark corner.

I am alive, wanting this week to be over but also wanting it to last. I will settle for a limbo where time neither moves forwards nor backwards and just stretches like a cat on a lazy afternoon. I want my internship to end but don’t want school to start.

Knocking off late these days like 1-2am kind of late and it’s always on these nights that I get the urge to walk without a specific destination in mind. I like the tranquility of midnight walks: the quiet and empty streets, void of any sense of urgency, deep relief that another day has passed and a general sense of freedom.

I watched the workers work silently under the spotlights on the window displays at Raffles City. They reminded me of the fairytale ‘The elves & the shoemaker’ and how magic happens when we least expect it. But I do think that window displays look more magical and often times lonely at night. The mannequins hold still and wait, waiting for the day when shoppers would once again enter to fill the space with life.

And looking back over this summer, which could have gone very differently, it’s incredible how I went from someone with near zero experience in show production to completing both Commencement and Convocation in 3 months. I’m also still miraculously on my boss’ payroll. There were days that were straight from hell but I’ve learnt so much and am really thankful for all my colleagues.

But still, how can it be that I can find no eye candies amongst 150 performers?

Making a list

to quell for desire to shop. And also because I haven’t wrote a list in about forever so let’s start making lists again.

1) Timberland’s SS15 ‘Small shopper bag’ in copper. I just love the color and it looks ultra light as well- a quality I value in my bags. But most likely it’s the material. I’ve recently discovered a love for leather goods, which further leads me to my next item.

2) Leather jacket. Guess this was propelled by Scarlet Witch’s dressing in AOU. On a side note of AOU, I vaguely enjoyed it but didn’t feel like it was worth a second watch in the cinemas. I liked that Capt mentioned his ‘missing person’ but overall didn’t really like how Thor’s scenes were cut.

3) Boots. I just want them to be heeled like an inch or 2? Not too pointy in front because it would fucking hurt and I already have 100000 problems being flatfooted. Being flatfooted is no fun at all when all you get are brands that are obviously targeting middle-aged women.

4) Earphones. Finally something techy. I need a new pair: I’m partially deaf in a ear. But somehow I’m so used to this state that I’m not bothered to the point where I need a new pair the very next day. I make the resolution of taking better care of my wires every time my earphones go kaput but I never. I think I will this time: I can’t afford the annual upkeep. Gotta learn from Brian.

5) Uniqlo’s anything and everything. Wtf I have never actually walked out of any of their stores empty-handed before. It’s slightly ridiculous.

Then again I think it’s time to curb this desire to shop. Not that I have any money. When Pinning comes home I’ll just be broke again because we indulge ourselves too much when obviously I’m not the one drawing a salary.

Out of the Loop

So I just found out via a Chinese link instead of ONTD the cast of Beauty & the Beast that was actually announced half a month ago. In order to make up for all my laggyness, I’ve started watching all the dramas that I’ve missed. Have started on Aiba’s drama Yokoso Wagaya e & Kimura Takuya’s I’m Home. Am so terribly behind on everything and as usual blaming it on school.

Started summer school and it’s madness. I just experienced 3 weeks in 1 week and it’s mind-blowing. It’s like a freaking time warp and I’ve no idea how I managed to go to school every single day for approximately 18 years of my life.

I’ve also been asked why do I do it to myself and that’s a great question because even I forget it when I wake up at 6.30am in the morning to attend a 8.15am class. I just hope I save enough money to actually visit Pinning before she graduates.

It is also here that I would like to insert a mini rant about how companies never ever bother sending a rejection letter that would crush and put out that flame of hope in you once and for all. You wait, keeping in mind that they’ve said HR is busy but really, how hard/difficult it is to send a rejection email? Also, how long does it take to craft that rejection, which I’m sure has been done 10000000 times so much so that there is an actual template and all that’s left is to change the candidate’s name?!

But it is ok. I have stopped waiting.

I was going to end on that note but it may sound vaguely ominous/threatening/depressing. So uhm…let’s end with Chris Hemsworth. My dad totally thinks he’s hot too even though he usually despises guys with flowing locks and couldn’t stop praising him when we were watching Thor together. I love his new hair.

On a final side note of this completely pointless post that I wrote in an attempt to revive this space, I’ve learnt how to bun my hair with a chopstick so does anyone know where I can get a hair stick? Japan had them but I thought I wouldn’t be able to learn the art of bunning my hair with a stick so :/

@liew This is your tumblr tag

Doing this cause it’s a short one and also because I haven’t done this (and blogging) for the longest time ever. My yearly recap posts are somewhere in the dungeons since 1/4 of 2015 has passed.

Choosing for each category is always so freaking hard.

One Song: 

Hanabi by MR CHILDREN. It’s a one-song-fits-all-moods kind of song and I like how carefree the melody is.

Two Movies: 

Spirited Away by Miyazaki Hayao. If you’ve watched it, you’ll know why.

Inception because Leonardo di Caprio. Partly but not really. The concepts of dreams, dreaming and subconsciousness were fascinating. Possibly triggered my dreams within dreams.

Three TV shows:

Nodame Cantabile- All time favorite. Never fails to whisk me into their world where music is the only thing that matters and passion+dreams will triumph over reality. It’s just incredibly fun to sink into and binge watch.

Kazoku Game- Fascinatingly dark, peppered with equally dark humor and full of twists without the sloppy ending. I loved how Sakurai Sho was not Sakurai Sho the idol and he simply became the character.

Kindaichi Shounen Jikenbou (original series)- I’ll always be nostalgic for this because it was terrifying as a kid and sparked interest in future detective/thriller dramas.

I’ve only chosen Japanese dramas because American dramas are unfortunately unable to hold my interest long enough for me to complete all seasons or more often than not, half a season. The only reason why I’m sticking with Agents of SHIELD is because I like continuity and the ability to understand everything that goes on in the movies that rarely matters. Japanese dramas are short and succinct without much filler episodes that some others do and also not every character ends up hooking with every other character ahemGossipGirlahem. Having all characters hook up with each other makes it extremely difficult to have a ship of any sorts or rather my ships end up sinking which I hate. Do not want to resort to reading fanfiction especially since good ones are hard to find and most importantly they are non-canon when I desperately want the good ones to be. Endings are rarely sloppy, which is essential for me because I don’t like half-hearted shit.

Four People: 

I’m excluding family. Jane (PD mentor & we’ve become friends with me seeking advice from time to time) & Kon.

Five Foods: 

I don’t care I’m including drinks. Hokkaido milk is the best milk you’ll ever have. Udon because nowhere else in the world will you find udon like you do in Japan. Eggs benedict simply because breakfast food. Potato croquette but only in Japan again and your tongue will tell you the difference one day. Matsuzaka beef that we had for the last day of dinner in Japan that was so smooth, tender and so so so prettily marbled.

Six people to tag:

Nil (you’ve probably done this already if you’re reading this).

Ok maybe for my next post I’ll actually complete my annual recap that is mostly for myself.

Ageing

At the age which I’m attending weddings and funerals and actually old enough to understand what we’re celebrating or mourning for.

Old enough to know that

Weddings aren’t necessarily happily-ever-afters  but just the beginning of another chapter.

Death is permanent and no amount of longing or whatsoever is going to reverse that.

Death affects the living more than it does the dead.

While loss is permanent, the pain of it fades and lightens with time, the hole left behind will seem smaller or even less significant as time passes. But also that it’ll come back to overwhelm you with an amazing force that will leave you painfully winded. Like tides, there are ebbs and flows but unlike tides, there is no cycle or pattern. There are only hidden triggers that reveal themselves when you feel all that is associated with the loss hit you like a speeding truck.

 

十二月

雨季

特别适合回顾与缅怀过去的一年。

乌云笼罩着城市, 视线模糊不清但却让回忆更清晰透彻。

记忆随着雨滴的节奏浮现,像咖啡的香气弥漫四周,紧紧地包围着。

闭上眼,沉浸在回忆里,仿佛能把时间倒退,再一次度过这一年的时光。

睁开眼,人事已非。

窗外的雨依然下着。。。

An ambivalent sort of day

One that makes me go like this:

The moments that made me go:

1. Doing my Indian Rangoli art

Rangoli

Note: The above is a still image and will not move.

It was really fun even though I look like I’ve Hulk’s hands after. I started this Art module not daring to expect too much since not many people took it for the sake of the major but as a way to clear elective etc etc but I got shuffled into a group that was wonderful and actually dedicated themselves to the projects. It’s even more surprising when the group consists of 3 seniors and 2 exchange students. They could totally not bother and put in minimal effort but they did whatever they could.

2. Doing well for my Comms essay quiz that I was so sure I would fail because my head was pounding during the whole time and all I wanted to do was to eat a Panadol and conk out.

Yes. CLAP FOR ME.

3. Completing my Arts essay

Self explanatory. But I still have to elaborate. I’m truly starting to think that all my essays have a small tiny piece of my soul because trying to write them is really…soul sucking. And also when I write my essays, the entire world just knows because I go around asking for ideas and opinions and final editing. You, my friends, deserve a tiny piece of my graduate certificate as well for all your contributions. This essay merits special attention because it feels like I’m going back to my lit roots and analysing a poem etc all over again and I get to write about issues I feel for. #iloveit

4. Being praised for my Chinese and my Chinese enunciation by an exchange student from Beijing.

Do you know the significance of being praised by someone who is obviously infinitely more proficient than you are in a language?????????????

But alas, a day cannot be perfect despite me being able to wake at 12pm.

There were also moments that made me feel like this:

and

1. Receiving a dinner invitation via text with 2 people I no longer want to be associated with

Seriously? Who do you think I am? Somebody you can just text and ask out on a motherfucking whim after ignoring me? Because i have to be OK when you are? Has it not occurred to you that when you’re OK, I’ve already moved the fuck on? Why the fuck do you think I can be won over by a fucking dinner? Why do you think you can just fucking waltz back into my life like nothing has happened and nothing was ever wrong?

You’re just crazy if you think my friendship is so cheap.

You’re wrong if you think I’ll be at your fucking beck and call.

Just because you have time doesn’t mean that I do and just because you have no friends doesn’t mean that I don’t.

So fuck you.