CNY update

I guess that title makes this post sound more festive than it will be.

But if you guys don’t already know, my CNYs are always quiet and peaceful: visiting is kept to a minimum. That’s good except for the fact that my angbao income is also sadly minimal. Steamboats are also not my thing but they’re the tradition and I will put up with them for 2 days to please my parents.

Perhaps I should split this post into 2 posts instead in which one will be my PD reflections and the other one about my aunt(s). Then again, I can’t be bothered so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

For the first time ever, I attended PD as a normal participant. Not going to lie but it was weird as hell to not be involved operationally or be holding a walkie listening carefully to every update. I’ve been involved in some way ever since PD13 and PD is obviously one of my most important markers of growth in SMU. Every PD reminds me of how far I’ve come and how much more I’ve to learn.

I had great fun as a normal participant (I can’t stress that enough because everyone thinks I’m involved. I’m just the person the org comm goes to when they need to print stuff ok) making my terrariums and bottled sand art. I guess I should attempt making a dreamcatcher after seeing several beautiful attempts versus 老板’s nightmare catcher. Plus I got to watch the show in peace for the first time and enjoy the food catered. Like an enthusiastic freshie/auntie, I finished using all my coupons. Going with the PD15 people just made the entire event 100000Xs better and almost everyone in the org comm who could attend were there. I’m really glad to have met this bunch of people in SMU.

Of course going with the gang also means that we could pick out certain details that others might have missed such as Joseph’s 2-minute grumbling (actually more like raging) of the helper that was queueing for a corporate partner’s booth in her event tee. That’s a huge NO in our books. Or how the queue system isn’t ideal etc. Then again, event execution usually has space for improvements. But as someone who more or less saw the org comm developed, they should be given due credits especially for their ideas. Show managed to showcase more CCAs instead of just the popular ones and yes, that made their lives ridiculously tough. Programmes managed to engage the terrarium vendor to conduct mini workshops that they don’t usually host during the event. It’s not easy given their limited budget and the weight of having to match PD15 in a way or other.

It has come to a full circle in one way or another having been a helper for PD13 and another helper of sorts this year. Have also met one of the helpers for PD14 at this year’s PD which is kind of comical. I only remembered him because he talked so much like my deputy did and still does. On a side note, I’m always quite amazed by people who can talk non-stop because a) are you really interesting? b) do you love your voice that much? c) do you really think that your opinions/topics are all that valuable to others especially those who have no choice but to listen? It’s fascinating and annoying at the same time. The latter is especially applicable to people with high, grating, nasally voices.

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I’ve an upcoming trip to Malaysia to visit my relatives that I am dreading because I can already predict every question that will come up. Not looking forward to it. At least it’s only 3 days.

It’s a weird CNY this year somehow given that my aunt passed a week before CNY. Nobody seems to have discussed whether or not we should cease celebrations and everyone is just proceeding ahead with celebrations. Then again, who passes away of dengue nowadays? Malaysia is no third-world country, I’ll give it that much. And I guess that filial piety is actually a value that has to be inculcated into children and not an innate value that people are born with.

Are there truly people in their right minds who will leave their own family to suffer a fever for 2 weeks?

Weird as fuck.

I recall my mum joking about how that aunt will live the longest cause she worried least and possibly the hardiest of them all. Guess it didn’t come to pass. Strange how certain things only come to light after a person has passed. Such as the story of my aunt fleeing her house to call my cousin’s wife to cry and that she was scolded during their reunion dinner last year. I don’t know why she put up with shit like that. A majority of my family with me included are guilty of not being as good to her as we should have been.

I canceled a dinner because of this. I take some time to digest such news and didn’t feel like putting on a fake front for people who don’t really care about me. The dinner date was set up awkwardly in a manner that made me look bad. Who the hell guilt trips you into a dinner so you don’t look petty for not attending? Haven’t heard from them since the cancellation. Probably am not wrong about them not caring.

I remember sitting at a friend’s father’s wake not too long ago, thinking that I’ll have many more to attend in future. Didn’t think that it would be so soon or closer to home this time round.

What a weird end/start to the year.

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(mis)Adventures with my Dad

For some reason or another, my dad and I have never spent much time together as a duo in public spaces. Even when we’re at home, we more or less keep to our own corners with him doing the chores/talking on the phone while I would be on the bed with my Mac.

So the jubilee weekend was an extremely rare occurrence when we went out shopping together. It all started with my desire to get a pair of black & white shoes for my internship. Because backstage safety calls for covered shoes with thicker soles and yes, nails have gone through people’s flats before. I don’t even know why my dad agreed to come but he did and so off we went to Queensway.

We spent a couple of hours wandering that also had him frowning at several pairs of shoes. Without spotting any pair that I wanted, we decided to go Vivo City where he could visit Bata for his uncle sandals and I would continue my quest for my Nike roshes (only to find out that they aren’t carried locally the next day) . For some reason, my internal GPS marked the route that we usually took by car instead of bus and thus cleverly suggested we go opposite to take the bus.

So off we went huffing and puffing up the bridge.

The next brilliantly wrong suggestion came from my dad to take 197 that ultimately led us in the direction of Jurong. Belatedly realised how off we were when we got onto the highway and I saw the Science Park. Hurriedly herded my dad off the bus which led to more grumbling that we should have just continued to NUS where it would be easier to change buses. Yet again we boarded 197.

We finally got to Spottiswoode where I told my dad to get off and just walk. I thought he would want to walk instead of changing buses to get home but I was wayyyyyy off the mark.

All ended well because we got home in fits of laughter.

At night, I just thought about how much I would treasure this day, remember our laughter, the warmth and tenderness in my dad’s hands, not to forget the the heat of the day.

But occasionally, I fear when I hear the ticking of time passing.

Rainy Saturdays call for

Lazy posts so below is an old draft which I never got around to finishing.

“Got back from KL and I never fail to feel exceptionally tired after my nerves unwind. I don’t sleep and shit well in unknown environments…not even when I’ve been to my aunt’s house possibly a gazillion times.

The usual yakking and nagging made themselves heard loud & clear to me. I had to sit through a conversation during which my aunts and my mum discussed about how lovable or not some of my cousins and nieces were. I genuinely started wondering if a)I was invisible b)I was not thought of as someone belonging to the younger generation c)I was unloved by my aunts. It was awkward as fuck.

I also had to sit through the birthday dinner during which I was repeatedly pestered to sing in front of 60 people. I AM NOT HERE FOR THAT. But you all can jio me out for Kbox sessions anytime. I just don’t sing in front of my relatives who will then again make comments on my (lack of) talent for singing. I have enough criticisms from them as it is already.

I’m also insanely jealous of the malaysian counterparts because it seems like studying overseas is just a natural path to embark on.

The only good thing about this trip is that I went for a facial and the beautician finally took my problem seriously enough to recognise that my face is extremely allergic, sensitive and that I may be suffering from a bacterial infection. A bacteria infection leftover from FTB. What. the. FUCK. And then I recalled us smearing expired food such as peanut butter on our faces and flour all over our faces. I swear I’ll never attend another fucking camp in my life and if I ever do, I’ll just tell them I’m fucking allergic. ”

 

So there’s that. Can’t wait for B&J Chunkfest later.

We are of the same blood

Ye and I.

Family. The ties that don’t really bind.

Gatherings that become excuses to parade the prides of each family, be they wealth or children or grandchildren. All I want to do is to scream fuck off. I don’t care about my cousin in university and I don’t give a damn about how much some of them earn. We see each other at most twice a year. I think we can do better than flaunting and trying to dazzle one another to blindness.

I’m not here for all of that.

My uncle’s birthday was just a huge gathering of people whom I don’t really know and whom I don’t care and who won’t give a shit about me. They aren’t people whom I can turn to for help.

I’m starting to think it’s my problem for lacking that connection to my nieces/cousins some of whom are around my age. Maybe it’s because I don’t post frequently enough on facebook about my idols or my feelings or what I’m doing. Or maybe I just don’t really care for them. They are important but maybe I would never prioritize them.

I’m tired of feeling alienated whenever I talk to them and they always have this overlapping social circle. I’ll be thinking if Penang is really that fucking small.

I’ll just never be like them and I’m not going to try fitting in because I’ll detest myself for trying to assume this persona which I can’t keep up because it’s one that will be used at most twice a year.

 

I still conclude uselessly that One Day I’ll have to improve my ties with them because I’ll have no one else when my parents die. This is also why I hate myself.