CNY update

I guess that title makes this post sound more festive than it will be.

But if you guys don’t already know, my CNYs are always quiet and peaceful: visiting is kept to a minimum. That’s good except for the fact that my angbao income is also sadly minimal. Steamboats are also not my thing but they’re the tradition and I will put up with them for 2 days to please my parents.

Perhaps I should split this post into 2 posts instead in which one will be my PD reflections and the other one about my aunt(s). Then again, I can’t be bothered so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

For the first time ever, I attended PD as a normal participant. Not going to lie but it was weird as hell to not be involved operationally or be holding a walkie listening carefully to every update. I’ve been involved in some way ever since PD13 and PD is obviously one of my most important markers of growth in SMU. Every PD reminds me of how far I’ve come and how much more I’ve to learn.

I had great fun as a normal participant (I can’t stress that enough because everyone thinks I’m involved. I’m just the person the org comm goes to when they need to print stuff ok) making my terrariums and bottled sand art. I guess I should attempt making a dreamcatcher after seeing several beautiful attempts versus 老板’s nightmare catcher. Plus I got to watch the show in peace for the first time and enjoy the food catered. Like an enthusiastic freshie/auntie, I finished using all my coupons. Going with the PD15 people just made the entire event 100000Xs better and almost everyone in the org comm who could attend were there. I’m really glad to have met this bunch of people in SMU.

Of course going with the gang also means that we could pick out certain details that others might have missed such as Joseph’s 2-minute grumbling (actually more like raging) of the helper that was queueing for a corporate partner’s booth in her event tee. That’s a huge NO in our books. Or how the queue system isn’t ideal etc. Then again, event execution usually has space for improvements. But as someone who more or less saw the org comm developed, they should be given due credits especially for their ideas. Show managed to showcase more CCAs instead of just the popular ones and yes, that made their lives ridiculously tough. Programmes managed to engage the terrarium vendor to conduct mini workshops that they don’t usually host during the event. It’s not easy given their limited budget and the weight of having to match PD15 in a way or other.

It has come to a full circle in one way or another having been a helper for PD13 and another helper of sorts this year. Have also met one of the helpers for PD14 at this year’s PD which is kind of comical. I only remembered him because he talked so much like my deputy did and still does. On a side note, I’m always quite amazed by people who can talk non-stop because a) are you really interesting? b) do you love your voice that much? c) do you really think that your opinions/topics are all that valuable to others especially those who have no choice but to listen? It’s fascinating and annoying at the same time. The latter is especially applicable to people with high, grating, nasally voices.

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I’ve an upcoming trip to Malaysia to visit my relatives that I am dreading because I can already predict every question that will come up. Not looking forward to it. At least it’s only 3 days.

It’s a weird CNY this year somehow given that my aunt passed a week before CNY. Nobody seems to have discussed whether or not we should cease celebrations and everyone is just proceeding ahead with celebrations. Then again, who passes away of dengue nowadays? Malaysia is no third-world country, I’ll give it that much. And I guess that filial piety is actually a value that has to be inculcated into children and not an innate value that people are born with.

Are there truly people in their right minds who will leave their own family to suffer a fever for 2 weeks?

Weird as fuck.

I recall my mum joking about how that aunt will live the longest cause she worried least and possibly the hardiest of them all. Guess it didn’t come to pass. Strange how certain things only come to light after a person has passed. Such as the story of my aunt fleeing her house to call my cousin’s wife to cry and that she was scolded during their reunion dinner last year. I don’t know why she put up with shit like that. A majority of my family with me included are guilty of not being as good to her as we should have been.

I canceled a dinner because of this. I take some time to digest such news and didn’t feel like putting on a fake front for people who don’t really care about me. The dinner date was set up awkwardly in a manner that made me look bad. Who the hell guilt trips you into a dinner so you don’t look petty for not attending? Haven’t heard from them since the cancellation. Probably am not wrong about them not caring.

I remember sitting at a friend’s father’s wake not too long ago, thinking that I’ll have many more to attend in future. Didn’t think that it would be so soon or closer to home this time round.

What a weird end/start to the year.

An ambivalent sort of day

One that makes me go like this:

The moments that made me go:

1. Doing my Indian Rangoli art

Rangoli

Note: The above is a still image and will not move.

It was really fun even though I look like I’ve Hulk’s hands after. I started this Art module not daring to expect too much since not many people took it for the sake of the major but as a way to clear elective etc etc but I got shuffled into a group that was wonderful and actually dedicated themselves to the projects. It’s even more surprising when the group consists of 3 seniors and 2 exchange students. They could totally not bother and put in minimal effort but they did whatever they could.

2. Doing well for my Comms essay quiz that I was so sure I would fail because my head was pounding during the whole time and all I wanted to do was to eat a Panadol and conk out.

Yes. CLAP FOR ME.

3. Completing my Arts essay

Self explanatory. But I still have to elaborate. I’m truly starting to think that all my essays have a small tiny piece of my soul because trying to write them is really…soul sucking. And also when I write my essays, the entire world just knows because I go around asking for ideas and opinions and final editing. You, my friends, deserve a tiny piece of my graduate certificate as well for all your contributions. This essay merits special attention because it feels like I’m going back to my lit roots and analysing a poem etc all over again and I get to write about issues I feel for. #iloveit

4. Being praised for my Chinese and my Chinese enunciation by an exchange student from Beijing.

Do you know the significance of being praised by someone who is obviously infinitely more proficient than you are in a language?????????????

But alas, a day cannot be perfect despite me being able to wake at 12pm.

There were also moments that made me feel like this:

and

1. Receiving a dinner invitation via text with 2 people I no longer want to be associated with

Seriously? Who do you think I am? Somebody you can just text and ask out on a motherfucking whim after ignoring me? Because i have to be OK when you are? Has it not occurred to you that when you’re OK, I’ve already moved the fuck on? Why the fuck do you think I can be won over by a fucking dinner? Why do you think you can just fucking waltz back into my life like nothing has happened and nothing was ever wrong?

You’re just crazy if you think my friendship is so cheap.

You’re wrong if you think I’ll be at your fucking beck and call.

Just because you have time doesn’t mean that I do and just because you have no friends doesn’t mean that I don’t.

So fuck you.

You’d better work BITCH

And so my recess week comes to an end.

Recess week is and will always be a lie. But yet, I’m considering myself lucky for only coming back 3 out of the 5 work days. I’m still saddled with work and this is always the time when my procrastination tendencies start to kick in. Just when I need the time to focus the most.

The most enjoyable thing I have done this week is to conceptualise my drawing and practising with my watercolours. It’s just immensely fun to be doing something I haven’t done for a long time even though my mum’s at the side snickering when I try to draw.

PD work is back on shaky tracks but I guess I can only suck it up and work harder. I’m a 3rd time PD veteran now and whenever people hear that they just go,”Do you love SMU that much?”

Once and for all, no. I just like to be part of such stuff.

This post is also basically meaningless and I’m just updating because Chong complained about a lack of updates. And also made a cameo on Rachel’s blog with our Facetime session. I should really be facetiming more people. I did manage to catch up with the usual crowd over Cherie’s birthday dinner and visited the cat cafe with Brian & Sihui. I guess it’s really been an above average week.

I ran into my neighbour 2 weeks ago and he was going to London to study Fine Arts. As always, I immediately felt inferior, lagging and lacking. I’ve seriously never met anyone else who is so sure of what they want in life. He has amazing luck as well? He was scrambling for an apartment even till the day he arrived in London and now he lives in a cute maisonette with a nice landlady and a cat. I really want to have his luck.

This week is also my catch-up-on-Arashi-shows week. Never honestly thought i would and could be a fan for so long???? But oh well I am still stanning for them and I highly doubt it’ll end soon.

My life is so mundane that I’ll leave my Belbin report for another post.

 

 

Life can get worse

Especially when you challenge it.

One of the shittiest weeks of 2014 so far ever since the Vietnam trip.

  1. Mixed messages as to what’s expected
  2. Constantly being told to “fight for my ideas” when 1. is happening
  3. Screwed my 15% PR strat quiz because again I have no idea what the prof is saying (ironic considering how PR is about communication)
  4. Constantly wondering if I’m the common factor
  5. Constantly feeling like I’m burdening the entire team
  6. No idea on how to start my 25% fucking essay especially since I did badly for individual component by this prof last sem
  7. Truly thinking of quitting my comm but also feeling like it’s too late.
  8. Consistently feeling inadequate
  9. Running out of ideas
  10. Further negative emotions sprouting from points above

My life is filled with annoyance and being fucked around.

Awkward Tuesday (part 1)

remains after 5 weeks in school.

I have never felt so much awkwardness in one class as I’ve in my entire existence and it’s miserable.

When I see my classmates, I do the below and even in my mind, there’s a flashing alert of the description of my face I probably just gave. It goes like this: tentative smile has just turned into a grimace and nothing has been accomplished.

And obviously that was even before I got into class because the school just had to assign my prof the room located at the end of a terribly long hallway.

But being part of SMU means being part of the class part culture. I have just realised how incredibly hard it is to get my thoughts flowing in the morning especially when I’ve no friend to act as a sounding board.

Basically, this.

I had no choice if you’re wondering why I even bid for a morning class was because there were only 2 classes offered and the better prof was teaching the morning slot. So I went for it.

All hopeful like and that obviously ended quickly.

Returning to my original point of class parting, I have been making a conscious effort into it. But it ends up like this:

And the class is like…

There’s such a person in our class???

Yeah, there is. I’ve been your classmate for 5 weeks.

Stay tuned for part 2 because despite it being a 3 hr lecture, class has felt impossibly long; even longer than Wednesdays which start at 8.15am and end at 8.30pm.

Sidenote @HY:hope you like this.

Fast forward

I reread some of my older posts and as usual always laugh at the one with GIFs. But thinking how crazy it is to look back and contrast then and now.

Some things I wouldn’t have pictured myself to be doing such as actually being part of an org comm while 1 year ago as a PD helper, I thought it would be crazy and take insane amounts of dedication and capability. But I guess I did unconsciously take steps to making myself I was more or less ready.

I did AAR with Joseph for Patron’s Day and was extremely relieved that he didn’t think Sponsorship did too shabbily. Somewhere along the discussion, I also found out that he thought I was more responsible than I dared to credit myself for. I should think his suggestion for me to return to PD2015 is pretty telling? So my worries which I articulated in more than 1 post have sort of been canceled out with the whole success of PD2014.  Plus he also got me into this seminar/talk planning team which will last about 2 weeks. I mean, it’s like, I definitely am OK enough to work with again.

I spent Saturday night with some of the PD Marketing team people and it’s just a little amazing how conversation just flowed even though I had spent limited time with them. It was great fun with 2 huge ass pizzas that could each possibly have been the waistline of a 15 year old girl. Then the beer and I’ve also been introduced to this drink called Snowball which is a mixture of vodka and milk. It’s surprisingly good or maybe it’s just what you get when you mix something so innocent with something so obviously adult.

Do I make sense? No? Blame it on the time.

My profs this sem are all ok. My ethics prof reminds me of a non-crazed version of Professor Trelawney and I love how cute my MA prof’s hong kong accent is. The latter’s like a combination of zhu mi mi and dora lee. Very odd but very funny. FCC prof is great; managed to impress him by knowing who Alfred Hitchcock is and doing some further reading on case study but simultaneously unimpressed him when I forgot a basic fact stated in the case. My BP prof is crazily long-winded and he reminds me of a bear. I don’t enjoy his classes because they involve math.

Currently deciding if I should try out for ASMU (the A stands for ambassadors). The application and probation period are both long ok. I don’t want to bother if I’m not planning to make a serious commitment to it. Talking to Pinning these days and I bring it up again and again because I need some reassurance. Honestly, suiting up and being all polished doesn’t seem quite me. But Pinning’s quite right that if I honestly didn’t want it, I wouldn’t bother thinking about it. Or maybe cause I’m being all Utilitarian and weighing my pain and pleasure. -shrugs-

All the above paragraphs are somehow related to each other but I’m not sure how or why.

Last Wednesday Night

Which was part of R-week but was actually hell week in disguise during which I spent most of my waking hours on one report or another. The sad sinking ship that is probably going to be my finance project. What the hell are we doing?????

But at least I had mid-week bright spots of beer at SQUE with Hua, Chong and Liew. The lupsup people unite…save for rachel who’s in the Land of Oz and actually thinking of staying there for December being bogged down by responsibilities. No. Just NO. Come home rachel leong and we’ll feed you with coffee beans. I need more sessions like this but I can’t help thinking that drinking so near the Singapore River is vaguely dangerous. You all will always be the people I share dirty thoughts with because nobody else appreciates humsup and lupsup more than you all. 

Also started my week right with Standing Sushi Bar with Eunice, Pris and Changning. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that 2 years have flown. It occasionally still feels like we’re still wearing our uniforms, struggling up the stairs, lost with respect to our future directions and all those long discussions about what we want.

But now, I’m just sitting in yet another lecture, waiting for Wednesday to pass. ):

 

We are nearly there,

Only one more week to recess week. Looking forward to the breather I might be able to have during then especially with the trip to the seaquarium which I have been planning to visit since forever.

I’m absolutely dizzy with meetings this week and I need time by myself. To sit quietly alone with a cup of coffee with feeling the incessant need to check my phone for people asking for my work or demanding my time and attention.

Right now, I’ve to get started on my excel again. I would post gifs to show my mood but time is not with me so read my lines and in between my lines.