Before I knew it

4 months have already passed.

And from my lack of posts, you should probably/can tell it hasn’t been an easy breezy time. But I do feel lucky that I’m employed, because the news keep telling me that the world is going to shit and the economy is falling apart.

I still get school-sick. It’s like my body is telling me that it’s time to head back to a 3 or 4 day work week with irregular hours. Sometimes, it’s really quite difficult to drag myself out of my bed/out of my house. I’m totally stretching my multi-tasking capabilities. I’m however very lucky to be with my 2 colleagues who are truly great people who have been patient with you even after all the times I’ve gotten them into trouble. Plus, the location of my office is great.

Let’s talk about happier stuff such as my recent Bintan trip, which was great fun and was entirely planned by Bao (partially why it was great cause it took no effort from me: I just had the one job of showing up and paying). I actually came back browner after the snorkelling session that I loved. But I also got myself some cuts like a dumb toot. I can only hope that they don’t leave any scars.

I can’t wait for my next off-in-lieu already.

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Month-sary

Yes, I’ve been gainfully employed for a month despite me breaking a voice recorder in the first week of the job. (For the record, I’m paying for half the damages.)

So I’m still trying to adjust to a new environment, and I very much miss SMU and working with Jimmy. I’ve gone whining to him twice now: once before Commencement Appreciation dinner and once during Convocation Appreciation supper (which was like last Friday, so very recent). He totally laughed about the breakage and declared that he wouldn’t have made me pay. To which, I happily shot down because he made a student pay for her mistakes, and he was all,”Oh yeah, I did.” Then he proceeded to cackle evilly at my plight, which I appreciated not.  He has told me to just hang in there and give it my fucking all and that a month is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I agree, but I still wanted very much to be well, sayang-ed, by him. But then he also said to have more faith in myself or at least faith in what SMU (or him) has put me through. So some saving grace at least.

Other than the fact that he knows my M.D and that they are overdue for drinks. I basically keep begging him to not discuss me with her because (and I told him this) I can’t deal with having to meet the expectations of 3 people all of whom are important. In a sense that they’re all my superiors. But I’ve said I’ll crawl back to him if I get fired LOL. But I really do miss the familiarity of OSL.

But my current colleagues are really really nice people, plus they super pretty. Everyone who works in that office is attractive and I’m just the ugly dud they hired. Like maybe this was what was going on in my boss’ mind when she hired me:

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The full quote would be: Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl- stylish, slender, of course… worships the magazine. But so often, they turn out to be- I don’t know- disappointing and, um… stupid. So you, with that impressive résumé and the big speech about your so-called work ethic- I, um- I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, um- more than any of the other silly girls.  

Disclaimer though: All the ladies who work there are smart and capable. They are friendly and very willing to help each other. I just occasionally feel like the ugly and incapable one. I’ve a very steep learning curve and I’m learning from everyone and every chance that I get.

I do like it there even though I’m not sure if PR/agency work is really for me.

TLDR: I’m still employed and I’m learning a hell lot. I think I enjoy my work there and am learning a lot of things from all whom I work with. I also hope to make it till end of probation HAHA.

Falling by Pangdemonium

I caught this play last Tuesday and it was an educational and emotional experience. All the actors were wonderful in their roles and brought out their various complexities.

The play revolves around a family of four and offers us a glimpse into their everyday lives. Each family has their own unique ecosystem of habits but for the Yeos, the situation is more nuanced than that. Their ordinary lives are made extraordinary by their 18 year old child, Josh, who has severe autism. The play explores the fallout when the ecosystem is disrupted by the arrival of Nana, the grandmother.

Tami, the mother, is clearly one of the 2 central figures in the play. She is Josh’s primary caregiver. This is shown at the beginning when we see her successfully coaxing Josh into getting ready for school and thus saving her husband, Bill. Her love and patience for Josh never wavers, even during and after his violent outbursts. Even though her days are long and occasionally difficult, she manages to steal tiny moments of freedom and happiness as she jams to her favourite songs. But she is a human after all and we see her resorting to alcohol as a form of escapism and cracks in the marriage forms as she distances herself from Bill. She admits her helplessness in trying to take care of the entire family while keeping all of them together as a family. It is impossible to fault her due to her love for Josh, resilience and determination that has kept her going when most of us would have chosen easier ways out.

Josh is an enigma even though he is also a central character. We know his habits, the games he plays, the songs he sings and the things he dislikes. But we are never truly able to step into his world. With his hypersensitivity, he experiences the world differently from us. He has an acute sense of hearing and some sounds appeal to him more than the others. He is also not a big fan of Bill’s voice. We know a lot about him but understand very little about him.

Bill the father, tries his best to do his part. He really is a typical dad who is the family’s breadwinner and occasionally takes the easy way out of disagreements or arguments by going out or ironically, hiding in the kitchen. Like Tami, he worries about the future now that Josh is of legal age. He attempts to form a stronger bond with Josh and to mend the gaps that have appeared in his marriage. I would say he has done slightly better at the latter even though what he needs (physical intimacy) is not what Tami needs. However, he does provide comical relief that alleviates the tension and these occasional doses of laughter help the family to get through the day.

Lisa is the 16 year-old sister with a rebellious attitude and a resentment for her brother. I personally think that one of the best parts of the play is that it does not fault or blame Lisa for feeling the way she does or any of the other characters in fact. It is not difficult to see why she thinks a future without Josh or at least away from him, would make life better for everyone. In a dream sequence, she lists the things that they can finally do together as a family sans Josh. Perhaps she had an prior incident with Josh that caused her to draw away from him or maybe school took her time away from Josh. The family’s situation has also been mentally and emotionally-wearing her down. She worries that she may one day come home to find Tami dead. But when she presents the option of her leaving for Australia with Nana, it is evident that she still loves her family and would much prefer to stay.

Nana, the Bible-wielding grandmother arrives with her own set of expectations just like us, the audience. She is a conduit for the audience. Nana arrives at the house and assures the couple that she understands and knows what to expect. So do we. Only to have our previously-held expectations and understandings to be shattered. We learn about autism together with Nana as the play proceeds and begin to reflect how each of us can help. Nana eventually makes the decision to move back.

Besides educating us about autism, Falling presents us with the challenging questions and opens room for discussion for a topic that we find difficult to talk about. The post-show dialogue is helpful and insightful. Awareness and education are definitely the first 2 steps we have to take before figuring out suitable solutions for autistic individuals and their families.

A list of things I

worry about and how I feel occasionally expressed in GIFs of course.

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Because girls travelling together sounds exactly like a recipe for BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN.

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I mean yeah, if I get my kidneys stolen as Hua is ever cautioning about.

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(It’ll be Pinning instead of Paula.)

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More practically, what if I lose my money cause pickpockets left and right? Trust me on this, I’ve been a victim.

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Excited and horrified????

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Breathing. It helps, right?

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This is how I feel at all of the above.

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I’m not even that stressed. (Looking at you, Pris)

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The cooler side of me feels I’m ridiculous for all the above. I totally agree.

 

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It’s only a month.

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But my long-awaited trip is finally here!!!

 

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So bye guys and please keep me in your prayers~!

Sidenote: why didn’t anyone GIF the part when Rebecca says I scared in a really really small voice?! WATCH CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND IT HAS BEEN RENEWED.

CNY update

I guess that title makes this post sound more festive than it will be.

But if you guys don’t already know, my CNYs are always quiet and peaceful: visiting is kept to a minimum. That’s good except for the fact that my angbao income is also sadly minimal. Steamboats are also not my thing but they’re the tradition and I will put up with them for 2 days to please my parents.

Perhaps I should split this post into 2 posts instead in which one will be my PD reflections and the other one about my aunt(s). Then again, I can’t be bothered so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

For the first time ever, I attended PD as a normal participant. Not going to lie but it was weird as hell to not be involved operationally or be holding a walkie listening carefully to every update. I’ve been involved in some way ever since PD13 and PD is obviously one of my most important markers of growth in SMU. Every PD reminds me of how far I’ve come and how much more I’ve to learn.

I had great fun as a normal participant (I can’t stress that enough because everyone thinks I’m involved. I’m just the person the org comm goes to when they need to print stuff ok) making my terrariums and bottled sand art. I guess I should attempt making a dreamcatcher after seeing several beautiful attempts versus 老板’s nightmare catcher. Plus I got to watch the show in peace for the first time and enjoy the food catered. Like an enthusiastic freshie/auntie, I finished using all my coupons. Going with the PD15 people just made the entire event 100000Xs better and almost everyone in the org comm who could attend were there. I’m really glad to have met this bunch of people in SMU.

Of course going with the gang also means that we could pick out certain details that others might have missed such as Joseph’s 2-minute grumbling (actually more like raging) of the helper that was queueing for a corporate partner’s booth in her event tee. That’s a huge NO in our books. Or how the queue system isn’t ideal etc. Then again, event execution usually has space for improvements. But as someone who more or less saw the org comm developed, they should be given due credits especially for their ideas. Show managed to showcase more CCAs instead of just the popular ones and yes, that made their lives ridiculously tough. Programmes managed to engage the terrarium vendor to conduct mini workshops that they don’t usually host during the event. It’s not easy given their limited budget and the weight of having to match PD15 in a way or other.

It has come to a full circle in one way or another having been a helper for PD13 and another helper of sorts this year. Have also met one of the helpers for PD14 at this year’s PD which is kind of comical. I only remembered him because he talked so much like my deputy did and still does. On a side note, I’m always quite amazed by people who can talk non-stop because a) are you really interesting? b) do you love your voice that much? c) do you really think that your opinions/topics are all that valuable to others especially those who have no choice but to listen? It’s fascinating and annoying at the same time. The latter is especially applicable to people with high, grating, nasally voices.

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I’ve an upcoming trip to Malaysia to visit my relatives that I am dreading because I can already predict every question that will come up. Not looking forward to it. At least it’s only 3 days.

It’s a weird CNY this year somehow given that my aunt passed a week before CNY. Nobody seems to have discussed whether or not we should cease celebrations and everyone is just proceeding ahead with celebrations. Then again, who passes away of dengue nowadays? Malaysia is no third-world country, I’ll give it that much. And I guess that filial piety is actually a value that has to be inculcated into children and not an innate value that people are born with.

Are there truly people in their right minds who will leave their own family to suffer a fever for 2 weeks?

Weird as fuck.

I recall my mum joking about how that aunt will live the longest cause she worried least and possibly the hardiest of them all. Guess it didn’t come to pass. Strange how certain things only come to light after a person has passed. Such as the story of my aunt fleeing her house to call my cousin’s wife to cry and that she was scolded during their reunion dinner last year. I don’t know why she put up with shit like that. A majority of my family with me included are guilty of not being as good to her as we should have been.

I canceled a dinner because of this. I take some time to digest such news and didn’t feel like putting on a fake front for people who don’t really care about me. The dinner date was set up awkwardly in a manner that made me look bad. Who the hell guilt trips you into a dinner so you don’t look petty for not attending? Haven’t heard from them since the cancellation. Probably am not wrong about them not caring.

I remember sitting at a friend’s father’s wake not too long ago, thinking that I’ll have many more to attend in future. Didn’t think that it would be so soon or closer to home this time round.

What a weird end/start to the year.

I thought I should give

an update lest people think I’m rotting away in a dark corner.

I am alive, wanting this week to be over but also wanting it to last. I will settle for a limbo where time neither moves forwards nor backwards and just stretches like a cat on a lazy afternoon. I want my internship to end but don’t want school to start.

Knocking off late these days like 1-2am kind of late and it’s always on these nights that I get the urge to walk without a specific destination in mind. I like the tranquility of midnight walks: the quiet and empty streets, void of any sense of urgency, deep relief that another day has passed and a general sense of freedom.

I watched the workers work silently under the spotlights on the window displays at Raffles City. They reminded me of the fairytale ‘The elves & the shoemaker’ and how magic happens when we least expect it. But I do think that window displays look more magical and often times lonely at night. The mannequins hold still and wait, waiting for the day when shoppers would once again enter to fill the space with life.

And looking back over this summer, which could have gone very differently, it’s incredible how I went from someone with near zero experience in show production to completing both Commencement and Convocation in 3 months. I’m also still miraculously on my boss’ payroll. There were days that were straight from hell but I’ve learnt so much and am really thankful for all my colleagues.

But still, how can it be that I can find no eye candies amongst 150 performers?

Fast forward

I reread some of my older posts and as usual always laugh at the one with GIFs. But thinking how crazy it is to look back and contrast then and now.

Some things I wouldn’t have pictured myself to be doing such as actually being part of an org comm while 1 year ago as a PD helper, I thought it would be crazy and take insane amounts of dedication and capability. But I guess I did unconsciously take steps to making myself I was more or less ready.

I did AAR with Joseph for Patron’s Day and was extremely relieved that he didn’t think Sponsorship did too shabbily. Somewhere along the discussion, I also found out that he thought I was more responsible than I dared to credit myself for. I should think his suggestion for me to return to PD2015 is pretty telling? So my worries which I articulated in more than 1 post have sort of been canceled out with the whole success of PD2014.  Plus he also got me into this seminar/talk planning team which will last about 2 weeks. I mean, it’s like, I definitely am OK enough to work with again.

I spent Saturday night with some of the PD Marketing team people and it’s just a little amazing how conversation just flowed even though I had spent limited time with them. It was great fun with 2 huge ass pizzas that could each possibly have been the waistline of a 15 year old girl. Then the beer and I’ve also been introduced to this drink called Snowball which is a mixture of vodka and milk. It’s surprisingly good or maybe it’s just what you get when you mix something so innocent with something so obviously adult.

Do I make sense? No? Blame it on the time.

My profs this sem are all ok. My ethics prof reminds me of a non-crazed version of Professor Trelawney and I love how cute my MA prof’s hong kong accent is. The latter’s like a combination of zhu mi mi and dora lee. Very odd but very funny. FCC prof is great; managed to impress him by knowing who Alfred Hitchcock is and doing some further reading on case study but simultaneously unimpressed him when I forgot a basic fact stated in the case. My BP prof is crazily long-winded and he reminds me of a bear. I don’t enjoy his classes because they involve math.

Currently deciding if I should try out for ASMU (the A stands for ambassadors). The application and probation period are both long ok. I don’t want to bother if I’m not planning to make a serious commitment to it. Talking to Pinning these days and I bring it up again and again because I need some reassurance. Honestly, suiting up and being all polished doesn’t seem quite me. But Pinning’s quite right that if I honestly didn’t want it, I wouldn’t bother thinking about it. Or maybe cause I’m being all Utilitarian and weighing my pain and pleasure. -shrugs-

All the above paragraphs are somehow related to each other but I’m not sure how or why.

I’m thinking

of how to phrase my jumbled thoughts eloquently without the need for bullet points which will sort of help me to be concise. But my thoughts aren’t linear and one thought is derived from a tangent of another.

I’ve watched Frozen recently and I remembered that it’s important to continue believing in love whilst being independent and retain one’s individuality. It’s also not choosing which princess is better as a role model but recognise that role models are humans susceptible to make mistakes and in general have flaws. Elsa was afraid of her powers whilst Anna was naive. The essence lies in how they both overcome them and conquer them. I would like to think that Anna never lost her childlike wonder.

I’ve also went traipsing around the museums for biennale with Priscilla today. It’s extremely interesting and dare I say better than the previous one. The art is thought provoking and at the same time relatable. Some of the pieces are eerily beautiful and haunting especially certain installations. I think good art open windows of new perspectives and insight into different lives and simultaneously illuminating aspects of the people observing the art. What would your world be like if the world changed?

And again with certain stuff happening in my friends’ lives, I would just like to say…when I offer advice, the goal in mind is that the advice I give will eventually lead to you being happy/contented/in general positive feelings. I try to listen and I try to empathise even though I’ve the most non-happening life ever. If I find myself giving repeated advice to the same person, I’ll stop; I’m not a broken tape recorder. My advice is free, uncertified and biased and can thus be ignored. 

Recent Thoughts

that have popped into my head during my waking moments. I have quite a lot of them so yeah.

    1. Chanced upon a facebook profile of an acquaintance from primary school. Had the sudden premonition (if I could call it that because it probably won’t come true) that our paths will soon cross again.
    2. I miss my overseas friends like crazy. And in this short period of time Pinning is gone, I have not been making an effort to go swim alone even though I know I should and I could. I just am not. I realised today that I potentially wasted a good weather to swim in without getting excessively tanned because I wanted to marathon my shows which have come on again. And kon, who’s out there bungee jumping and doing stuff that I probably want to do but can’t do yet and next semester, it’ll be Mabelyn’s turn to go on exchange.
    3. Swaying between having faith and not having any in relationships. Tis be the season of breakups. Just had another friend who broke up after 5 long years. How is it that all these time spent together can be discounted just like that? Also (I concede not all men are idiots):

      Men are Fools-WW

    4. Ridiculous recurring thought: I want to be someone who is loved by everyone. I recognise the impossibility of it. But still, it would be nice to be more loved.
    5. Another recurring thought: I foresee a very average life ahead of me. It’s like my life will be smooth without too much ups and downs; I’ll graduate, work and then live my life. Most likely end to my story is as the cranky old lady in the corner flat with a bazillion adopted stray cats.
    6. Migrating to England which I actually shared aloud with Mabelyn who was pretty horrified that I didn’t want to stay. It’s ok because I’m the only child so I’m free to walk when my parents are gone. And also because my friends will most likely have their own families so I’m free to go. Talking to Sihua has also made me realise that yes, I am actually and will be fine by my own. I am perfectly capable of being independent even though it must be pretty tiring.
    7. I can’t deal with people who talk to me in unexpected ways such as they are constantly flippant but it’s not in a condescending manner or anything. They just are. It’s disturbing; I don’t know where to draw the lines and I have the inability to filter myself. And I also believe in reflecting a person’s attitude back to them so I do the same. Obviously it doesn’t always pay off. I also push people away when they get too comfortable with me too fast. Hello, you’re supposed to be vaguely scared of me so sod off. I am also incapable of making new friends with people who have more mood swings than I do. HOW ELSE CAN YOU DEAL WITH MINE OR WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE SWING AT THE SAME TIME?!?!!?!??!!?!??! Or people who aren’t honest with their emotions. There is nothing to hide ok!!!!!
    8. Feeling vaguely like I’m not contributing enough to my projects in general. Had a project mate edit the report and cut out multiple parts which I wasn’t able to which made me feel shitty about myself. I also have no idea what’s going on for my Finance project. Vaguely panicky about all these and also slightly worried that PD will flop cause I’m not good enough.
    9. Horoscopes are of vague importance in friendships. Recently asked a few people their signs and I do indeed have a subconscious inclination to Water and Earth signs. I feel slightly more grounded, realistic and down-to-earth occasionally but I still have people to go to when I have my mood swings.
    10. Wondering what I would like to be in my next life? A pet (a cat/dog) enjoying continuous pettings and cuddling? A koala? A sloth? Or a plant? A fish or maybe even a jellyfish…something aquatic maybe stingrays. They just flap flap flap and float around, keeping that same face and generally being without a care in the world except humans are going to eat them with sambal chili. I mean…other than that it’s not too bad?

Yes well, back to school and work.