January 2018

Nearly a year since my last post, and I’ve almost forgotten about this site.

Thinking about times I want to write, and then just realising that some things aren’t worth writing/remembering/negative emotions will pass. Then I also realised I’ve overestimated my ability to let things go when it has rarely ever been the case with me. I’m a pressure-cooker type of person who will only confront the source of my anger when I can’t take it anymore. And obviously there are some bridges you learn that you cannot burn as an adult, so you swallow your words, your anger, and the unjust of it all.

I tell myself the next time I’ll be better at confrontations, better at managing my emotions. But when the next time comes, I find myself doing the same old thing I always do. That’s where my anger partially stems from, and somehow that induces more anger.

Life constantly reminds me to give me less fucks because people don’t appreciate nor do they want it. How many times do I need to trip myself up before I will bear in mind that I should always put myself above other people, and stop feeling guilty at my selfishness? Because if I don’t, who will?

A year ago, I was trying to convince myself that things will be ok. That I should be satisfied and grateful that I’ve a job and surrounded by good colleagues. And right now, I’m not so sure.


Writing this while

waiting for Terrace House to load, and pondering upon a Netflix subscription. (Does anyone wanna share? The price is actually quite reasonable).

I’m so into Terrace House right now, and I can’t stop watching. It’s the calmer Asian version of Jersey Shore and Geordie Shore. There’s drinking but no messy drunk behaviour, and most of them solve their issues maturely and calmly. They actually talk out their issues instead of resorting to passive aggressiveness.

The last time I wrote was a couple of months ago, when I was school-sick. I’m not that school-sick now. I am also happy to report that I’ve been confirmed in early January. I’m still busy, still trying to figure out my work plans, still learning, and obviously still trying to get by.

Today I resumed my Pilates class. Rather proud of myself, and I hope I’ll continue for a long time. Partly also cause I’m suffering the typical OL-aches.

So my overall status in mid-Feb before I gain another year: Gainfully employed, single, relatively happy and content with the usual hopes and grouses typical of a Millennial, looking forward to the year ahead in general.

I guess I’m doing pretty well.

Before I knew it

4 months have already passed.

And from my lack of posts, you should probably/can tell it hasn’t been an easy breezy time. But I do feel lucky that I’m employed, because the news keep telling me that the world is going to shit and the economy is falling apart.

I still get school-sick. It’s like my body is telling me that it’s time to head back to a 3 or 4 day work week with irregular hours. Sometimes, it’s really quite difficult to drag myself out of my bed/out of my house. I’m totally stretching my multi-tasking capabilities. I’m however very lucky to be with my 2 colleagues who are truly great people who have been patient with you even after all the times I’ve gotten them into trouble. Plus, the location of my office is great.

Let’s talk about happier stuff such as my recent Bintan trip, which was great fun and was entirely planned by Bao (partially why it was great cause it took no effort from me: I just had the one job of showing up and paying). I actually came back browner after the snorkelling session that I loved. But I also got myself some cuts like a dumb toot. I can only hope that they don’t leave any scars.

I can’t wait for my next off-in-lieu already.


Yes, I’ve been gainfully employed for a month despite me breaking a voice recorder in the first week of the job. (For the record, I’m paying for half the damages.)

So I’m still trying to adjust to a new environment, and I very much miss SMU and working with Jimmy. I’ve gone whining to him twice now: once before Commencement Appreciation dinner and once during Convocation Appreciation supper (which was like last Friday, so very recent). He totally laughed about the breakage and declared that he wouldn’t have made me pay. To which, I happily shot down because he made a student pay for her mistakes, and he was all,”Oh yeah, I did.” Then he proceeded to cackle evilly at my plight, which I appreciated not.  He has told me to just hang in there and give it my fucking all and that a month is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I agree, but I still wanted very much to be well, sayang-ed, by him. But then he also said to have more faith in myself or at least faith in what SMU (or him) has put me through. So some saving grace at least.

Other than the fact that he knows my M.D and that they are overdue for drinks. I basically keep begging him to not discuss me with her because (and I told him this) I can’t deal with having to meet the expectations of 3 people all of whom are important. In a sense that they’re all my superiors. But I’ve said I’ll crawl back to him if I get fired LOL. But I really do miss the familiarity of OSL.

But my current colleagues are really really nice people, plus they super pretty. Everyone who works in that office is attractive and I’m just the ugly dud they hired. Like maybe this was what was going on in my boss’ mind when she hired me:


The full quote would be: Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl- stylish, slender, of course… worships the magazine. But so often, they turn out to be- I don’t know- disappointing and, um… stupid. So you, with that impressive résumé and the big speech about your so-called work ethic- I, um- I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, um- more than any of the other silly girls.  

Disclaimer though: All the ladies who work there are smart and capable. They are friendly and very willing to help each other. I just occasionally feel like the ugly and incapable one. I’ve a very steep learning curve and I’m learning from everyone and every chance that I get.

I do like it there even though I’m not sure if PR/agency work is really for me.

TLDR: I’m still employed and I’m learning a hell lot. I think I enjoy my work there and am learning a lot of things from all whom I work with. I also hope to make it till end of probation HAHA.

Because Chong

requested for an update, I’m sitting in my room while Matt Bomer goes on being sexy in White Collar on my TV in my living room, typing away. Actually, I think she knows what I’ve been up to most of the summer so this is for pure entertainment purposes. Nevertheless, I shall try.

Summer Happenings 101:
I’ve been working Mondays-Fridays, 9.30am to 6.30pm with a one hour lunch break but I take liberties with the time occasionally. Working in an app development SME as the admin staff and the job scope ranges from receptionist to Tesco worker. I’ve recently also organised a food race for them and apparently most of them have no idea what it is; I would have thought it to be clear enough from the title FOOD RACE itself but no. I’m finally ending my stint this Wednesday and I can’t be happier. The side effect of working there has truly enticed me into getting a Macbook and I keep forgetting how to scroll on my Vaio. My Vaio’s still chio but maybe it has clocked in enough hours.

Work has been peppered with meetings with school cause of Vivace and this OCSP that I’m planning. I’ve sent out a bazillion emails but only 2 were successful. I honestly wanted to send out more but then when I wanted to, I got swamped by work. The weekly meetings which never involved Sponsorship didn’t help my motivation either. But in the end, I guess we still did OK with Cadbury, Nestle etc etc sponsoring us.

Then the OCSP, we ran into a NUS team who went to the school to help and they are giving us a lot of info so it’s all good. But I think we’ve pissed off the OSL people in one way or another and now we are not getting replies from them.

But besides all these, I’ve been meeting up with people and making sure I get my cultural doses to keep in touch with my Humanities roots. I saw Sihua, Chong, Rachel and most surprisingly Huey Yiing the most I would guess? Mostly had short lunches with Sonjia cause we had to find some halfway points to lunch at.
Went for The Optic Trilogy with Chong and Phantom of the Opera with 4i. I would count the Grow & Glow art show held by the designers to be part of my cultural fulfilment. It was pretty interesting because I never knew that designing an app took so much detail. Like the color scheme which was split into the primary and secondary palette and also the typography etc.
Discovered new hangouts such as Drury Lane, Just Want Coffee and The Showroom cafe; mostly for coffee. I’ve found my current favorite coffee and it’s definitely mocha with its blend of coffee, chocolate and milk. Appreciated the smoked duck pasta at 49 Seats as well. Have also been craving for Cake Spade’s brownies for about a week now. Also discovered that Once upon a Rosti sells cheap rosti for like $3-$5 and it’s not bad too~ My workplace is really a gold mine for food especially if you have the $$$ which is why I usually end up overspending.

But I haven’t been swimming as much as I want to this summer partly due to my laziness and clashing of schedule. I know how it’s OK to do stuff alone but some stuffs just aren’t as fun without company like star chasing; missed my once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Sho and Keiko at MBS’ red carpet for their movie premier. Heartbreaking.

On the other hand, I saw Gordon Ramsay at Maxwell and he was amazingly nice. Shook our hands and all, looking a little flustered by the heat and crowd. Totally ran out of my workplace to wait for him with the other SMU intern and we waited for about half an hour before we finally got to see him. It was all worth it for that handshake and the greeting. He’s much taller than I anticipated though.

Summer has yet to end, may the last 2 weeks be filled with more fun and activities that I actually want to do.

Sporadic bursts

Of melancholy and bouts of depression have been making appearing in my life yet again.

Sometimes breathing in causes a stab of imaginary pain while breathing out feels like long silent sighs. 

Sometimes I’m not sure if there’s an inherent emptiness in me or if there’s a sadness in me waiting to be purged.

Maybe it’s both. Mostly I’m just waiting for something to happen. 

But then I also feel the infrequent blossoming of bliss. Beautiful moments like this take place early in the morning while I’m eating my breakfast alone in peace, stepping out of my office liberated for the day, receiving texts from friends who are currently overseas or friends who bother texting to care or exchange of texts with friend(s) who take time to listen to my woes even though I may be the one painting their days a shade duller.

More often than not, I feel the long stretching infinite sense of boredom. 

Employment is overrated and should only be served in moderate doses. Preferably less than 4 days per week.

Once again

I have begun my life as a working adult. I say adult-like stuff such as,”Oh~I’m going to the bank to deposit a cheque.” or “Yeah, I’m in the office right now.” or the worst,”I only have an hour for lunch.”

My parents couldn’t wait to sweep me out of the house and so I have started working again this week at HY’s previous place of work. It’s a mobile app development company. This is coming from my company’s macbook in the office.

I was asking my cousin why I have to do research on technical stuff when everyone else in the office is more tech savvy than I am. The answer is,”They have more important stuff to do.” I had to agree because what else can be more important than dealing with clients (or dodging them) or have a conversation which I don’t know is serious or not on how to develop an engineer via codes. World-changing conversations are everywhere.

I hate working but I love money so I will continue to work. And maybe try to remember who is who in the company. Cutting this short because I’m paranoid that someone is reading this behind me.